Take me out tonight
Oh take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
No, I haven't got one
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’ve changed since the 9th grade. Probably because I recently finished reading the Divergent trilogy, a popular and quite good YA dystopian series by Veronica Roth. Members of the Dauntless faction are styled after Goths. In my first year of high school, I took on the identity of a “Freak,” as we called them back in the day. I guess the current equivalent would be Goths. At the start of freshman year, there wasn't a social group I felt a particular affinity for, but my best friends from junior high were attracted to the Freaks. So, the gravitational pull of loyalty drew me toward this group of kids who dressed in black most of the time, weren't above experimenting with drugs and were deeply invested in the punk rock and alternative music scene. I got both ears triple pierced and tinted my hair blue. Unfortunately, the color was mostly visible under fluorescent lights because of my black hair, but I was too chicken to go all the way to bleach, then dye it blue. My parents would've flipped out anyway. I dressed mostly in black, proudly donning my wingtip Doc Martens and Army/Navy Store flight jacket. My favorite article of clothing was a long irridescent trench coat from the Garment District which sort of became my signature accessory among people who knew me. I became obsessed with New Order, The Cure, Echo and The Bunnymen, Tears for Fears and most especially The Smiths (FYI, they broke up and Morrissey went solo). We often loitered around Harvard Square or the steps of the Copley Library, and I still remember the distinct smell of sidewalk residue mixed with musty clothes and cigarettes. For what reason we did this, I never fully understood. Maybe that was the beginning of my demise.
Even though I loved the music and sense of style, by definition I was a complete and utter POSEUR. I knew some kids who did, but I certainly didn't have the guts to drop acid. Marijuana did absolutely nothing for me the couple of times I folded under peer pressure and tried it. To make matters worse, I had a full on asthma attack, rescue inhaler and all, each time. The ultimate in coolness, right? I also couldn’t stand the taste of beer, and was too reserved, insecure and just plain awkward to let loose at house parties. I liked a lot of the kids we hung out with personally, but I was never going to become a full initiate, and it was obvious to me. I was basically okay with that, though, because I'd mainly hung around to stay with my close friends, not so much to fit in or belong. My graceful exit came when two of my three best friends moved to different schools soon after ninth grade. I decided to hang out with anyone I wanted to at school. I became kind of a floater--friends with a few of Freaks here, a couple of jocks there, nerds elsewhere, etc. It was much more natural for me.
About Bagels and Lox
My best friends in junior high were a group of amazingly mature and precocious girls with a remarkable zest for life. I’ll call them Sandra, Lisa and Ava. In seventh grade, they wholeheartedly welcomed me into their BFF circle without reservation. Even though they'd already been a trio for a while, one day, they decided to embrace me as one of their own. We became an instant quad. All of a sudden there were countless sleepovers and after-school hangouts. We snacked on homemade guacamole and tortilla chips, bagels and lox, and watched tons of Woody Allen movies (long before the scandals).
Sandra, Lisa and Ava had no idea that such an extravagant act of hospitality would literally change my life. In fact, it was my very first experience of unconditional love. Just like that, they gave me a sense of loyalty, acceptance and belonging I'd never dreamed would be accessible to me. By the time they befriended me around age 12, I was completely shutdown emotionally. I might have conveyed a different public persona, but I was a shell of a person on the inside by the time I reached middle school. I lived with a pervasive sense that I was unlovable, unattractive and basically worthless. I won’t get into detail here, but my childhood was quite painful in a lot of ways.
Sandra, Lisa and Ava had no idea that such an extravagant act of hospitality would literally change my life. In fact, it was my very first experience of unconditional love. Just like that, they gave me a sense of loyalty, acceptance and belonging I'd never dreamed would be accessible to me. By the time they befriended me around age 12, I was completely shutdown emotionally. I might have conveyed a different public persona, but I was a shell of a person on the inside by the time I reached middle school. I lived with a pervasive sense that I was unlovable, unattractive and basically worthless. I won’t get into detail here, but my childhood was quite painful in a lot of ways.
One specific event that shaped me profoundly was the day I was born. Starting from a very young age, I was keenly aware that my birth had caused a great deal of turmoil among my extended family, simply because I was born a girl. Not only that, I was the third girl out of three children born to my parents. Both my mom and dad originated from extremely traditional Chinese families from an extraordinarily misogynistic region in Guangdong, China. My paternal grandmother was livid that her son still had no male children. She held my mother responsible and actively tried to drive a wedge between them for years.
My sisters revealed to me several years ago that my paternal grandmother despised my existence so much that she sought excuses to spank and yell at me whenever we visited with her. Apparently, my dad, usually the dutiful and filial son, had uncharacteristically stood up to her on my behalf, insisting that she never touch me, his own child, ever again. Undeterred by all the drama, my father’s heart had been endeared to me in a powerful way, going against the tide of cultural sensibilities. This left an indelible mark on me, perhaps even provided a building block toward resilience, which I only came to recognize and treasure later on in my adult years. I believe God compelled my dad to love me despite a cultural and familial context where he could have easily chosen otherwise. Evidence to me that God had had my back since birth.
It may sound strange, but I also believe God was instrumental in bringing Sandra, Lisa and Ava into my life, just in the nick of time. I had been so unhappy and lonely, convinced I was utterly unlovable and worthless, that I'd just about given up hope. If I could watch a movie playback of what my life was like before befriending those three remarkable girls, my memories would be in black and white. Drab gray would be more accurate. Thankfully, I never reached the point of suicidal ideation. However, I'm fairly certain that if this had gone on much longer, I would have ended up there eventually. Although I don't recall ever having wanted to die, I'd often had thoughts that it might be better if I were dead or had never been born. I was treading a thin line where these nihilistic song lyrics could have taken on more literal meaning and appeal.
And if a double-decker bus
Crashes in to us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine
Because of those transformational friendships, the angst-ridden music I came to love didn't feed my depression. Rather, the songs tapped into and put me in touch with familiar, powerful emotions I needed to face. This particular song was also able to snap me out of my moments of deep melancholy with its ironical, comically over-the-top images. When I listen to this music now, I'm powerfully reminded of where I once was and how far I've come. My internal world has experienced such a profound shift toward healing and wholeness in the intervening 25+ years since meeting Sandra, Lisa and Ava. They may not know it, but they were agents of grace to me. Free, lavish gifts that came to me without any effort of my own. No strings attached and no repayment required. The unconditional love of three 12-year old girls opened the door to a life in color.
Man, you write with such detail, I'm totally transported to the 90s, Harvard Square, Oona's and wondering what 'cool' was. Thank you for sharing. I think your honesty, open heart and open ears has already lead your way of becoming a 'Pastor's wife'. You rock.
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