Years ago in college, journaling was a wonderfully cathartic and meaningful medium through which I processed all the goings on in my mind, heart and soul. I loved it so much that I wrote an entry just about every day, and more often than not, found reward in a visceral sense of clarity and peace that hadn't existed before the ink hit the page.
Journaling doesn't quite do it for me anymore. Not since becoming a mom almost twelve years ago. Of course, it's been such a privilege to be able to invest nearly a decade focused on raising my kids (albeit while working on and finally completing an MA in Counseling in 2008). I've grown and learned more than I knew was possible, and every phase has come with its own incredible blessings to outweigh the real challenges. That said, at first, I gave up on journaling due to the constant exhaustion that came from either being pregnant or breastfeeding nearly nonstop for over five years, with ever increasing kids in tow. More significantly, no longer being able to take meaningful periods of solitude for granted had a profound effect on me for some reason. Furthermore, spending long periods of time alone with little children, all three born within four years, magnified my introverted nature in ways I'm only recognizing now. All the while, my hunger for meaningful friendship and community intensified. So, I've realized that my internal world has not been as orderly and sorted out as my felt needs prefer.
Back in the day, before motherhood, I often received feedback from people around me that I was a pretty good communicator and public speaker. For the reasons above, I became rusty over time, not only in my ability to speak out my ideas clearly and concisely, but more importantly, in processing and formulating my thoughts, simply for my own benefit. I guess writing here is an attempt to actively get those atrophied muscles back into shape.
I don't know about you, but I'm a horrible multitasker to the point where more than 2-3 stimuli coming at me at once literally makes my head spin. You'd think that having managed a household of five for several years would bring about improvements. To be honest, I've probably gotten worse. It's pretty unusual for our family to go a day without some chaotic, noisy flare up in our house. It could be the kids erupting into a loud, goofy medley that just won't end, a wrestling match that gets out of hand or a huge argument over who got the biggest bowl of ice cream for dessert. Whenever I experience sensory overload, my "fight or flight" instinct automatically kicks in. I get the strong urge either to lock myself in the bathroom for ten minutes or yell, "Stop it now!" You better believe I've acted on those impulses more than once. Of course, I'm not proud of it, but there you have it. I often jokingly use the phrase, "Calgon, take me away!" when I'm feeling sensory overload. Surprisingly, a lot of people my age or above don't even know the commercials I'm referencing. How's that even possible?!?! So, here's one version for your viewing pleasure. My husband and kids got a good belly laugh out of it. You're welcome.
The quality's bad, so watch it full screen.
Fair warning: since I'll be sharing some of my inmost thoughts, ranging from ruminations of my inner psyche to arbitrary free-associative ramblings, my worldview is bound to peek through on occasion. Beware that I may go a little spiritual on you once in a while. The intention won't ever be to preach at, indoctrinate or assert that my perspective is the best. Rather, it's a personal gift from me to you. A little window into how I derive meaning amidst my own personal brand of crazy. Spirituality is a big part of my life, so it will inevitably come out in my thoughts sometimes. You might be pretty surprised by my take on things, though. I've never been a person who's easily boxed-in, and I like it that way. I've refused to be a lemming for just about my entire life. Some of it's attributable to my strong will. It's also a reflection of the opportunity I had to grow up in an extremely liberal town with a progressive educational bent. I learned to question authority and to think critically. I liked that, which is why I went to Brandeis University, an institution of higher education with a similar reputation. So, I invite you to read on without preconceived notions.
A humble request for mutual respect: I believe that pluralism is one of the best ideals of our country. True pluralism affords all points of view a fair hearing with a baseline level of mutual respect, even in the face of inevitable disagreement. I thrive on engaging with other points of view, no matter how much they differ from my own. On the off chance (hopefully not!) that you find what I say offensive or unsavory, feel free to move onto more palatable fare. Please just be aware that I'm choosing to take what feels like a big risk here. So, I'd greatly appreciate a baseline level of respect. I offer the same to you. If you disagree with me on something, I'd love to hear from you personally, preferably with an amicable spirit of dialogue. I also enjoy a hearty, thoughtful and friendly debate. Like I said, here goes...
Peace,
Grace
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