My Insatiable Hunger for Romance

A couple of years ago, I started reading more young adult lit as an opportunity to connect with my current sixth grader. She wanted to read The Hunger Games trilogy in fourth grade, but I was concerned that the violence would be too much for her active imagination. I finally decided to vet it myself last year. I was so engrossed that I read all three books in three days. One night, my husband found me perched on a stool in the corner of the bathroom at 4 a.m., unable to put down the final book. He simply gave me a feigned look of disapproval and went back to bed. Our daughter did get to read the trilogy and she loved it. I had a repeat experience with the Divergent trilogy this past Christmas. Three books, three days, and a jacked up circadian rhythm. The themes of government corruption run amok, courage and strength in the face of injustice and adversity, self-discovery and identity, etc, are compelling, to be sure, but I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm a total sap. Far and away, the plot line that keeps me absolutely riveted is falling in love.

Hello, my name is Grace. I am a romance junkie.

I technically "dated" a boy in the sixth grade, oh, for about 96 hours. Somehow, I don't think that counts. I met my first real boyfriend around sophomore year in high school, in a church youth group of all places. In fact, he was the main reason why I even committed to the group. You see, the only reason why I visited Teen Fellowship in the first place was because my mom guilted me into it. I hadn't attended church willingly since the fourth grade. Since then, I went once a month, tops, just to appease her. A church youth group was the last association I wanted to have by the time I was a teenager. It's embarrassing to confess that, at the time, I felt much cooler than the youth group kids who seemed so naive and nerdy compared to the goth kids I'd hung out with at school my entire freshman year. I felt so wise to the world (hah!) because of my involvement in a crowd which took pride in rebelling against everything representing popular culture, dressing eccentrically, experimenting with drugs and alcohol and listening to angsty alternative and punk rock music. On one hand, the relatively innocent and genuinely kind youth group kids made me feel welcome and accepted. On the other hand, the edgy goths made me feel unique and audacious whilst feeling like an imposter all the more. What would I choose on Friday nights? A bong at a house party or a Bible lesson at Teen Fellowship? Hmm...

Ulterior Motives and Excruciating Insecurities Met By Extravagance

Of course, a BOY was the deciding factor. Jon appeared at Teen Fellowship on a night I happened to show up. He was tall, athletic and very attractive to my 15-year old self. We exchanged more stolen glances than actual sentences over the next several months, and started dating by summer. We were together for over two years and broke up shortly after going off to college on opposite coasts. We've remained friends over the years, and it's been fun to see each other grow up, each finding wonderful spouses and starting/raising families.

I shared in my last post how, for most of my childhood, I was convinced I was completely unattractive and unlovable. In my mind, it would be impossible for anyone to love or care about me romantically. What brought this to the fore was a girl confiding in me that she had a crush on Jon, too. Oh, no! Had she claimed him simply by declaring her feelings before I did? Well, it didn't matter anyway. Of course, he would choose her over me. She was more winsome, more classically beautiful, more worthwhile, more EVERYTHING than I could ever be. My distorted perspective was all-encompassing. Everyone else was more valuable, more special, than ordinary, worthless little me. I tried to subjugate my feelings in anticipation of defeat. So, you can imagine my shock and delight when, one fateful summer night on a crowded volleyball court, he boldly marched up to me and declared, "I don't care what you think, but I like you." This changed my life. It sounds a bit childish (because it kind of was), and it's hard to explain, but the fact that he chose me at a point of such fragility was tremendously healing.

Senior prom, 1990

It's hilariously ironic that I can say this now, but THANK GOD his mother was utterly controlling. Jon lived a forty-five minute drive away, so we only ever got to see each other at youth group on Fridays and at church on Sundays. Her strict rule that we could only talk on the phone for a total of thirty minutes per week--with no exceptions whatsoever--felt cruel and sadistic. It forced us to write a lot of letters, so we got to know each other in a relatively healthy way for a couple our age. Most importantly, it protected a girl with a huge gaping hole in her heart from indulging the irresistible compulsion to allow another human being to become the meaning of her existence, her everything, her all in all. It forced us to maintain and build other friendships and to keep up with our school work. So, although I utterly resented her overbearing rules at the time, in hindsight, Jon's mom was a genius. To be realistic, this approach could have backfired devastatingly with different teens, but it was quite effective with basically compliant and reasonable kids like us.

As a result, I was able to grow, mature and begin a desperately needed healing process with God as an individual without becoming enmeshed with my boyfriend. I'm grateful that, though I initially started going to Teen Fellowship with ulterior motives, God honored and blessed the choice anyway. God didn't give me any sort of disapproving reprimand. Rather, I met my first love, made precious and lasting friendships, and most profoundly, embarked on the amazing journey of letting God love and heal me. Love is truly transformative.

Finding My Soul Mate 

Wedding day, 1996

My husband Steve and I met in college. He was a sophomore and I was a junior (yes, a younger man!). We had an inexplicably deep soul connection  from the start and became close friends almost instantly. When we realized we had feelings for each other, we decided to take things very slowly, since we both had come off of recent break-ups. Somehow we both knew there was something uniquely special about this relationship, so we were committed to giving it our best go. Once we made it official, we dated for about two years, broke up for nine months, and were engaged for another nine months. That's a whole story in and of itself. We've now been married for over seventeen years and have three amazing children. It's been a terrific, challenging, unpredictable and thrilling ride. We remain best friends and full partners in life. Of course, we have our arguments and struggles, just like any other couple, but we still love each other more than ever. Using modern day vernacular, l'll just say our marriage is still "pretty dang hot," too.

Newlyweds

Marriage counselors and researchers attest to the fact that healthy long-term, committed relationships need to mature beyond a state of infatuation, beyond romance, which I will define as "enthralled wanting and beckoning." Romance is such a powerful and exhilarating experience in and of itself, no wonder it can be addictive. However, the thrill of falling in love is meant to progress toward growing mutual respect, commitment, shared purpose, and shared lives. It's simply impossible for a long-term relationship to sustain a perpetual state of enthralled wanting and beckoning.  On a human level, romance is intended to be a catalyst by which humans are compelled toward, not only deeper emotional and physical intimacy, but unwavering devotion, mutual self-sacrifice and partnership as well. Unfortunately, in most cultures, married life tends to be portrayed as painfully dull and boring if not fraught with insurmountable difficulty and increasingly discordant wants/needs that are doomed to meet a devastating end. Of course, marriage takes hard work. I'd be a fool and a liar to claim otherwise. Yet, the fact that my husband continues to forsake all others to remain devoted to me year after year, is super sexy! When we choose to accommodate one another's needs above our own, it essentially communicates, "I get you. You matter to me. Your needs are important to me. I will give of myself for you. You're worth it." What a turn-on! Of course flowers, chocolates, love notes and date nights make a huge difference, too, but we've got to recalibrate our perceptions.

Still a Romance Junkie

So, since I'm happily married, why am I still such a sucker for romantic stories? Shouldn't I be done with all of that nonsense by now?!?! If this isn't an indication that my marriage is on the verge of spiraling into crisis, what does it mean? What's going on for me?

Well, there's a common pattern among all of my favorite romance stories. Some that have captured my imagination recently are Katniss and Peeta in The Hunger Games and Tris and Tobias in Divergent. All-time favorites include Margaret and John in North and South (British classic), Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice and Anne and Gilbert in Anne of Green Gables (all of these have film adaptations in case you don't feel like reading). As beguiling as make-out scenes can be, those don't ultimately do much for me. Most of my favorite stories barely have hand-holding, let alone kissing or anything else. What captivates me most is the unfolding process of enthralled longing and beckoning within the relationship. One character becomes smitten, suddenly aware of undeniably alluring qualities of the other. Negative first impressions give way to admiration. Undeclared affection is betrayed by a subtle facial expression, a vulnerable comment or a loving gesture. The lover finally declares his/her love to the beloved and awaits a response with breathless anticipation. Finally, the moment of mutual relief and delight at the revelation that love is indeed requited. Sigh.

Steve and I share unforgettable memories of an ardent courtship which still make me smile at their recollection, and I would only ever want to experience romantic love on a human level with him and no other. So, I've come to realize that my ongoing fascination with romance reveals my innate hunger for a boundless, mystical love that only the God of the universe can satisfy fully. God takes pleasure in offering this love freely and abundantly while passionately beckoning and wooing me with patient anticipation. I welcome it wholeheartedly with open arms, for it transcends the limits of human imagination, emotion and experience. Infinitely better than anything I'll find in a YA novel.

Jeremiah 31:3 (NIV)
"I have loved you with an everlasting love;
    I have drawn you with unfailing kindness."